2000-10-14 - U. Penn
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and, Boys to Men, back despite Motown Philly back again, it’s the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Band.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Angela Richardson - palatable
J. Rachale Miller - tasty
and J. Randall Allsup - Finger-lickin’ good
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to sunny, singular, sepulchral, recently renovated, yet still in need of red brick Franklin Field, where we're sure the Quakers will remain bland, the bland will shop at the Gap, and the Lions will look chic in a pair of flat front cargo pants and a close fit crewneck T-shirt.
[play Who Owns]
We would like to take this time to salute the city of Philadelphia, which is known for its tasty cheesesteaks and uh, DEATH. Fortunately, this sad fact makes this city the perfect background for movies such as Philadelphia and The Sixth Sense, which are (oddly enough) are about dead or dying people. The band wonders why Philadelphia has such bad karma. Is it due to the dangerous proximity the city has to Delaware and New Jersey? Or are Philadelphians simply unable to recover from the shame of allowing the ‘80s picture, Mannequin, to be filmed here? Sadly enough, we can’t tell you, all we can say is that we’re glad we don’t live in Philadelphia where the only safe areas are within 10 feet of a police officer, or anywhere outside of city limits. The band now forms Penn's locked gates and plays "I hear you knocking, but you can’t come in and we don’t even play this song anymore anyways."
[play Venus]
Half-Time
Ladies and gentlemen, and Penn Students, back despite being denounced by th eWall Street Journal, it's the most socially responsible band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Sexual Misconduct Policy!
[fanfare]
featuring
J. San Francisco - clean and healthy
J. New York - slightly sickening
and J. Philadelphia - quarantined bubonic plague zone
[fanfare]
as well as the Phillies' losing streak on the way up, Allen Iverson's artistic credentials on the way down, and a horde of Penn students that haven't understood a thing in the show yet but the sports references, the band now presents an all-star salute to futility in the City of Brotherly Love.
[play Who Owns]
Columbia’s new sexual misconduct policy has recently garnered criticism from the privately run group, FIRE, or the Foundation for Incompetent Right-wingers in Education. The organization claimed that the policy violated the due process rights of the accused party. FIRE cofounder and U. Penn professor Alan Kors compared the policy to the brutally unfair judicial processes of the Salem witch trials, Nazi Germany’s court system, and the classic Jim Carrey movie, "Liar, Liar." Thor L. Halvorssen, Executive Director, agreed. Wiping the blood of the proletariat off his boots, he then stated, "This policy with free and equal rights is the first step towards the Communist corruption of this university. Why if Rush were here, he’d never tolerate this oppression!" Columbia administrators, however, were not impressed, saying that if any conservative Columbia undergrads were unhappy with the policy then they could just transfer to Penn. In honor of conservative rights everywhere, the Band now forms an evil liberal and plays "Enter Texas."
[Band plays Enter Sandman]
While attempting to find material for today's show, the band rifled through the reading list for a Penn intermediate comparative literature course. To our surprise, we discovered that most of the list was comprised of "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. One of them, aimed specifically at Penn students, reads like this:
"Your alarm clock wakes you up at 8 am. You have class at 9. You.
A.) Get up and strap on a Kevlar vest in preparation for a trip to an off-campus Noah's Bagels
B.) Hit the snooze button when you hear that the Phillies lost again
or C.) Turn off the alarm, fall back asleep, and have nightmares about that thing you did with the imitation liberty bell at last weekend's all night kegger."
The band attempted to find a happy ending to "#461 - A QUAKER'S QUANDRY," but found that each story line ended with "You graduate from Penn and join a conservative think tank with low standards. Too bad. Try again." In honor of Penn's educational tradition the Band now forms a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book and plays "#324- Lithium Lunkheads."
[band plays Lithium]